Hospital Stay Uneventful; Never For Me

Just recently, I returned home after a hospital stay.  Uneventful; never.  Really weird things happen in hospitals or so the case is for me.  Right away the weirdness began.  
 

About 9:30 p.m. the first night,  scooter from radiology came in to deliver two bottles of the white chalky stuff for me to drink.  He was about five foot nothing and was just oozing with excitement as he explained that he and I had a date with the CT machine at 11:45 p.m. After I had chugged a full bottle and was about to start the second, the nurse popped in and asked "where did you get that?"  Feeling like a child who had just been caught doing something wrong,  I replied "radiology;  or at least that was what he had inscribed on his shirt."   She explained that the doctor wanted it without contrast.  Okay, so I just drank a full bottle of yuck for no particular reason?  Got down to radiology and scooter asked with excitement, were you able to drink both bottles?  "No", I replied.  "The nurse stopped me because the order from the doctor was without barium."  After a few minutes of placing blame, he finally shut up.  I was thinking to myself, whatever, just get on with this and get me back to my room.  
 

One morning after "drinking" my breakfast, a tall, handsome doctor in his crisp white coat and neatly trimmed beard steps into the room, walks over to my bed and shakes my hand.  "I'm Dr. X and I'm here to talk with you about the fluid in your lungs", he explained.  I repeated his remark "fluid in my lungs, what fluid in my lungs?  No one has mentioned any fluid in my lungs".    Wouldn't you think  a doctor would check the name on the door or name on the  wristband before addressing a patient?  I guess asking my name would have been too difficult. I have sympathy for the patient who has fluid on the lungs, but I was so thankful, it didn't apply to me.  I don't know if it was a logistics thing or what, but that wasn't the only doctor that came into the room looking for another patient, nevertheless, I'm glad I was coherent.  Lord help the patient who isn't.  
 

Anyone who has spent time in the hospital knows that you get no rest at night.  It's a constant stream of folks wanting your blood or checking your vitals.  It can be a bit unnerving and downright scary to have a complete stranger wake you up in the middle of the night; even more so if they resemble Marie Laveau, the Voodoo Queen of New Orleans, complete with stage makeup;  giving her that permanent surprised look on her face. She spoke in broken English.   To make matters worse,  she must have bathed in cologne.  That doesn't create a problem for me, but it does for my sister who goes into anaphylactic  shock upon sniffing strong chemicals or perfumes.  So, every time I spied "Marie" coming through the door in the middle of the night, I would quickly punch my sleeping sister in the recliner next to me, now armed with a surgical mask,  so she could arm herself until "Marie" and her fog of cologne dissipated. I don't think she ever got the hint.
 

And, finally, the Pièce de résistance of the entire stay - I was under the care of  the head physician of a major teaching hospital's gastro department in the State; over an hour's drive from home.  He was too busy to see me at my last appointment and referred me to his physician's assistant instead.  She assured me that she would talk to Mr. Big and they would get back with me to discuss treatment options.  Two weeks and three messages later, still no word.  While in the hospital, the gastroenterologist who cared for me proclaimed that they have a professional relationship with Mr. Big,  in fact, he is covering for them the following weekend and will be seeing me during my hospital stay.  Well what are the odds of that?  A physician at the biggest hospital in the State who is too busy to see me in his office some 100 miles away, HAS to see ME on MY turf in a couple of days.  Needless to say, Mr. Big walked in a very humbled man.  
 

Some good always comes out of a bad situation.  The shining light of my hospital stay was the time spent with the student nurses from the local college.  They were the most amazing young ladies.  It restored my faith in the current generation.  Yes, true, they are the cream of the crop to gain admittance to this college of nursing, but they were the most pleasant, eager, and conscientious young ladies I have ever met.  They truly brightened my day.